The past two days I have felt equal but opposing forces compelling me to both nest and rest. I have had the unflinching urge to clean, clean, clean. I look around and cannot find it in me to sit down in the evening until I have picked up every toy, wiped down every surface, cleaned every dish. This morning I woke up, gathered my supplies and my favorite helper, and deep cleaned both of our bathrooms. I scrubbed them down from top to bottom and backed out of each so they could dry without a single fingerprint left behind. I made a list- room by room, step by step I listed each small thing that has yet to be done.
I put Casey down for a nap and then I sat down with the intention to take a quick break and get back to it. But I made a cup of tea and put my feet up and now here I am with an incredible sense of exhaustion, an almost magnetic force keeping me from standing up. “Rest, rest, rest” cries this little voice inside of me.
I still have 5.5 weeks until my due date but it feels like the time is closing in fast and there is still so much to get done. I felt this way when I was pregnant with Casey too, except then I didn’t realize I was capable of so much. Now, I know that I am so much stronger, so much more capable, so much more able and while that knowledge brings me comfort and strengthens my resolve, it also makes me terrified that I won’t live up to my own expectations.
So here I sit with these two opposing urges, to nest and to rest, trying to find a balance between the two. I know my body needs rest as much as it needs movement- it needs a balance of both to stay healthy and strong and prepare to bring a second life into this world. I also know how much satisfaction I get from creating- the actual act of sewing and making things for my little ones, for other people’s little ones, for my friends; the physical act of creating a comfortable, clean home for my family, finding a shelf for every book, a bin for every toy, a drawer for each piece of clothing and a space for every picture I have yet to hang.
Nest and rest. Nest and rest. Time is closing in but it is still there. There are still days and weeks stretching ahead of me and with trust and faith I know that each day will open up to me exactly as it should and guide me to the proper balance so that I may nest and rest exactly as much as I need to both stay healthy and cross each and every things off of my list.