I read the other day that you can’t for inspiration to hit to write- just write. How true this rang for me right now. If I waited for inspiration to hit, I might never blog again and even if it did hit, I would have to wait to find the time to sit down while inspiration was still tangible and I can tell you that it is unlikely the two will line up any time soon.
It has been a HUGE transition bringing Cameron home and adjusting to having another child and a newborn at that!
I had forgotten.
I had forgotten the constant nursing, the milk stained shirts, the increase of laundry, dressing someone who can’t help, changing tiny diapers, having no schedule, wondering what the night will hold, the restlessness and apprehension, the exhaustion and the sleepless nights.
I had forgotten what it was to have an infant. Add in a toddler who needs me too. It was rough those first few days home from the hospital. Rough for Casey to have to adjust to sharing my time and my body with another being. Rough for me to see how confused he was at times; to hear him tell me “I need you too” brought tears to my eyes and an ache in my heart that I hadn’t expected. I found myself mourning our one on one relationship even as I thrilled to see him love on his little brother.
I had forgotten what it was to learn to love.
That feeling of holding your newborn for the first time when you realize that no matter how much you have grown to love the life growing inside of you, you are now staring at a tiny human being who is a complete stranger to you. The way your heart seems to grow to encompass them within the first few days and weeks as you get to know their cries, their smell, as you hold their eye contact for the first time, as they rest their tiny heads on your chest, comforted by your scent and the beating of your heart. I had forgotten.
There was so much that I had forgotten but the memories come back in odd moments. Memories of Casey as a newborn. Memories of the endless time I had with him. The snuggles, the funny faces, chest time, cheering him on during tummy time, holding him close to me and simply smelling the top of his head. Now I’m relearning, reliving, relinquishing my expectations of what this life would and should be like and simply breathing in what it is. One day at a time.
Casey is still adjusting to being a big brother just as I am still adjusting to being a mother of two but we are doing ok. He is so sweet with his brother. He wants to simply watch him sleep, watch my change his diaper, he reaches out and rubs his hand gently over the top of Cameron’s head and gives him the sweetest kisses. He always wants to “hold the baby”.
I’m still having a hard time balancing the needs of both boys and finding time to make sure that I am healthy and sane. It has helped to have family around to cook and clean and generally fill in the gaps of what needs to get done on a daily basis. Even as I find my patience wearing thin some days, I know that I will look back on this time someday and wish I had slowed down and taken it all in just a little bit more, held on a little bit tighter, ignored the mess and the mayhem and just dug a little deeper inside myself to find the patience and wherewithal to sit a little longer and breath both boys in a tiny bit more.
So that is my mission. To let time slow down a little, take it easy and breath deeper, allow more laughter and less scolding, give up my grip a bit and let everything just play out instead of trying to control everything all the time. I have two boys now- two boys who need me healthy and patient and kind, generous with my time and my praise, with my hugs and laughter and love. Two boys now who need me just as much as I need them.