hydrostatic equilibrium

The point of orbit

for this shining star

resides within.

The heart center

stokes the fire

kindling this tiny

everlasting flame.

I seek you,

blindly-

reaching out

squinting the depths

of this vast plane.

Your hand arrives,

steadying me

just in time,

leading me gently

back to truth

back to my self.

My reflection resides

in the depths

of cornflower blue.

How gently

grace whispers.

How gently

my sweet darlings

part their lips

in moments

of slumbered surrender

fanning the tiny flame

into a heart wrenching

blinding blaze.

The stellar center

holds true.

 

 

 

 

 

32

These moments when both boys are napping are like nuggets of gold tucked into my day. Half the time I don’t even know what to do with myself.  I always have a to-do list floating around and a running mental list of things I want to get done, but the last two days the name of the game has been “I can’t even…just do it.”

I’ve had a terrible head cold for the past few days, following a brief overnight flu that came on quickly and left me aching and tired. Even small tasks like picking up the used tissue I just dropped on the floor seem harder when my head is heavy and my eyes are watering. Combine this with an almost three year old who can destory a room like a tornado and a 4 month old who delights in diaper changes- I can’t even… With a sigh I mentally coax myself into action. Just do it! One foot in front of the other; trudging through

Yesterday was my birthday and although I spent it with a stack of kleenex tucked into my pocket, it was a lovely day full of moments of relaxation, surprise and joy.  Birthdays are a good reminder for me of how lucky I am to be surrounded with so many people who care about me.  I got cards and gifts in the mail. My husband took me on a mini shopping spree at TJ Maxx and a few other places.  Just the fact that he went shopping with me at all was enough to show me his true devotion.  We had nachos and drinks ( I had water) before going back to my Mother-in-law’s to pick up the boys.  I walked in to a lovely surprise party complete with birthday balloons, a birthday banner and a cake covered in m&m’s that Casey had helped make.  At Casey’s prompting we lit all the candles and he helped me to make a wish and blow them all out.  Then he used the ice cream scooper to help himself to a scoop of cake 🙂

It’s these moments in life, the moments that are only shared with a close few, low lit by birthday candles and punctuated by giggles and hugs, that make the days of trudging through worth it.  These moments make my heart sing.

Welcome, 32. I hope I have many more of these moments with you.

Thanksgiving

I am Thankful.
I am thankful for this privileged life I live,
which I have not had to work particularly hard for,
thankful for all the people who have worked hard for me.

Thankful for this path I am walking.
Thankful for all the tiny treasured that I collect along the way.
Thankful for marriage and motherhood and family.
Thankful that I am surrounded by good men and strong women.
Thankful for accepting frustration in the midst of joy
and for finding the hidden joys in the mundane madness of our days.

I am thankful for my body.
Thankful for all the parts I already love
and for those I am still learning to.
I am thankful for my body’s strength and it’s softness,
Thankful that it has grown and sustained life.
Thankful that I was able to feel tiny kicks
and give the final push
to bring my squirming, slippery babies into the world.

I am thankful for my two boys.
Thankful for Casey, my curious, courageous son,
who forges his wild way through sound and action
delighting in all things new and loud and fast
dropping bits of knowledge along the way,
leaving us breathless and astounded

I am thankful for Cameron,
My tiny little snuggler
who makes his unformed voice heard-
his grunts, snorts, coo’s and squeals
reaffirming his place in our hearts
and in this world-
his precious being just beginning to shine.

I am thankful for my husband.
My quiet, hard-working husband
who loves me because of and in spite of,
has loved me during and through,
who accepts my fears and encourages me to dig deeper.
who holds me hand as we explore uncharted territory
and anchors me to a safe harbor in this mad world.

I am thankful for all I have
and all I have yet to receive.
Thankful for good friends and strong coffee,
for beauty and creativity,
for sleepless nights and nap times
chaos and quiet moments.

I am thankful for the tiny flame of faith
fanned by growth and intrigue and devout friends,
Thankful to feel the spirit move me-
in soft windy gusts upon forested hills,
the warmth of sunshine in quiet summer mornings,
colorful blooms of wildflowers opening their faces to me
and in the tiny hands and soft smiles of my babes.

Most of all I am thankful to just be alive.
To get to experience this short time of living,
on such a beautiful planet,
among such rich diversity,
to discover the vastness of the human spirit every day,
is a gift.
I am so thankful to have been given it.

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Two boys now.

I read the other day that you can’t for inspiration to hit to write- just write.  How true this rang for me right now.  If I waited for inspiration to hit, I might never blog again and even if it did hit, I would have to wait to find the time to sit down while inspiration was still tangible and I can tell you that it is unlikely the two will line up any time soon.

It has been a HUGE transition bringing Cameron home and adjusting to having another child and a newborn at that!

I had forgotten.

I had forgotten the constant nursing, the milk stained shirts, the increase of laundry, dressing someone who can’t help, changing tiny diapers, having no schedule, wondering what the night will hold, the restlessness and apprehension, the exhaustion and the sleepless nights.

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I had forgotten what it was to have an infant. Add in a toddler who needs me too.  It was rough those first few days home from the hospital.  Rough for Casey to have to adjust to sharing my time and my body with another being.  Rough for me to see how confused he was at times; to hear him tell me “I need you too” brought tears to my eyes and an ache in my heart that I hadn’t expected.  I found myself mourning our one on one relationship even as I thrilled to see him love on his little brother.

 

I had forgotten what it was to learn to love.

That feeling of holding your newborn for the 20161025_155205.jpgfirst time when you realize that no matter how much you have grown to love the life growing inside of you, you are now staring at a tiny human being who is a complete stranger to you.  The way your heart seems to grow to encompass them within the first few days and weeks as you get to know their cries, their smell, as you hold their eye contact for the first time, as they rest their tiny heads on your chest, comforted by your scent and the beating of your heart.  I had forgotten.

There was so much that I had forgotten but the memories come back in odd moments. Memories of Casey as a newborn. Memories of the endless time I had with him. The snuggles, the funny faces, chest time, cheering him on during tummy time, holding him close to me and simply smelling the top of his head.  Now I’m relearning, reliving, relinquishing my expectations of what this life would and should be like and simply breathing in what it is.  One day at a time.

Casey is still adjusting to being a big brother just as I am still adjusting to being a mother of two but we are doing ok.  He is so sweet with his brother.  He wants to simply watch him sleep, watch my change his diaper, he reaches out and rubs his hand gently over the top of Cameron’s head and gives him the sweetest kisses.  He always wants to “hold the baby”.

I’m still having a hard time balancing the needs of both boys and finding time to make sure that I am healthy and sane.  It has helped to have family around to cook and clean and generally fill in the gaps of what needs to get done on a daily basis.  Even as I find my patience wearing thin some days, I know that I will look back on this time someday and wish I had slowed down and taken it all in just a little bit more, held on a little bit tighter, ignored the mess and the mayhem and just dug a little deeper inside myself to find the patience and wherewithal to sit a little longer and breath both boys in a tiny bit more.

So that is my mission.  To let time slow down a little, take it easy and breath deeper, allow more laughter and less scolding, give up my grip a bit and let everything just play out instead of trying to control everything all the time.  I have two boys now- two boys who need me healthy and patient and kind, generous with my time and my praise, with my hugs and laughter and love.  Two boys now who need me just as much as I need them.

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Stardust

Stardust came down and filled her-
Coalescing into a tiny bundle,
a shining secret ball of glowing, growing energy
that she had to carry for nine months.

Nine months of waiting and wondering,
of loving intensely,
of dreaming and feeling heart-full
even as her heart broke open
again and again,
bursting into a thousand tiny pieces
shimmering and expanding
to clear space
to make room.

The heat can make the afternoons drag on but the days seem to be passing all too quickly. It seems like it was only yesterday that I gave Alex this hastily made Valentine’s Day card, announcing our good news:

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Now, here we are ten weeks away and I am steadily working my way through a list of projects.  I haven’t felt much of the “mom guilt” that I hear other women talk about but I am making sure to savor every moment I have with my son even when he is difficult and over tired and I walk out of his room, after putting him to sleep, wondering how I am every going to manage two.  While he sleeps, I use the time to enjoy my moments alone, knowing they will be few and far between in a few short weeks.  I spend the time reading, napping, dreaming, sewing, painting, preparing…

In my heart I am ready: ready to give birth again, ready to meet this little boy growing inside of me, ready to see what he looks like, ready to have two little boys to hold in my arms and in my heart, ready to watch our family of three become a family of four and experience what that is like.

But until October, I will be enjoying the last days that I have as a mom of one.  I’ll enjoy every hand hold and every laugh, savor each sweet cuddle, every hug and kiss, take advantage of every moment to connect.  I’ll remind myself again and again to smile and breathe when I am feeling frustrated or tired because I will never get these days back.   Each night, when he cuddles in as close to me as he can get and we read book after book, I won’t rush through them or put a limit on how many we can read.

Change is inevitable but I am ready to embrace it because it is scary but it is also beautiful.

My Men

The blue of morning enters peacefully through the drawn blinds. Laying in bed, I am surrounded by the men in my life: the husband and son I couldn’t have dreamed up if I tried, the cat nudging his cold nose into my palm. The cat, who I nudged gently with my foot (sort of kicked) out of the way yesterday when he got underfoot; the son who I yelled at yesterday when he wouldn’t take a nap; the husband who so often find gets the brunt of my anger when I am tired and fed up and at my wits end. Even as these transgressions weigh upon me, my men move in. My son turns over and wedges his body into mine, seeking closeness and comfort, his breath hot and steady on my collarbone. The cat shimmies closer, resting a paw along the tiny body next to mine, becoming more insistent with his wet nose until I give in and scratch behind his ears. Behind me, my husband fits his knees into the curve of mine, resting his hand across my middle. He is a furnace in sleep and his warmth is reassuring.

This is family. This is the kind of family I want to foster- a family who accepts you at your best as well as at your worst and who forgives you even when you have trouble forgiving yourself. We laugh and love and fight and apologize and look forward rather then back. We work to build a stronger foundation, foster a deeper connection each day and make new memories  each day. And in the cool blue of morning, all is forgotten except an innate desire to be close, to reach out and find the ones we love without having to open our eyes.