Broken Dam

I don’t know when it happened-
when the dam broke.
A trickle widened into a crack,
brick by brick the walls fell away
until one day the entire structure gave way.
Whoosh!
The contents poured forth
washing away the divide.
There was no longer any separation
nothing dividing the halves
nothing to keep one side from embracing the other.
There was no longer anything holding them back.
The topography changed in an instant,
quietly, unnoticed even, to those not paying attention.
But to the sole witness,
it happened with a roar,
a flash of light so totally blinding
it caught her off guard and she was forced
to catch her breath,
to close her eyes, to blink,
in case it wasn’t real-
In case it hadn’t really happened at all.

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Stardust & Friendship

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Starlight sparkled in their eyes when they smiled.

Inside, the steady beat of the sewing machine kept time with the soft music playing in the background. The hiss of the iron as it came down again and again upon the small seams, pressing down, preparing them for even small stitches.
Mind-numbing is often confused with soul-opening.

Outside, they stood at the top of the hill, gazing down upon their respective kingdoms, arms linked. Warrior women. Starlight sparkled from their eyes as the bundles of stardust shone brightly inside their bellies. Their hair blew back in the night wind and the planes of their faces reflected the light of the moon.
Serenity, strength and solace found through friendship.

There is nothing in this world like a good friend.  The power of friendship to heal, to humble and to give us strength is something that surprises me over and over again as I grow older.  I am not a social butterfly and although I connect with other people easily, it is rare that I find a friend that I can be truly intimate with; someone who I feel comfortable enough around to open up and to be vulnerable.  It took me a long time to grow into myself enough to be able to let go of judgement and self-doubt and embrace the bond that is formed when you are willing to take the time to cultivate a true friendship.  It isn’t always easy.  It is scary to share those moments in life that are raw and ugly with someone who has not committed their life to yours.  It is hard to express your self-doubts and share your fears as well as admit your dreams and share your strengths.

As a mother and wife, I am thankful every day that I have a true friend who also fills these rolls in her daily life.  I am thankful that we share so many of the same qualities and interests and more thankful for the differences that make us unique and from which we each continually learn and find inspiration from.   It’s been ten years since we first spoke to each other while standing in the hallway, waiting for the class before ours to let out. We were both in college then, still learning about life and love, both at the very beginning of our journey’s.  We would be tested again and again, taken to opposite sides of the country, turn our backs on one another and finally take those first tentative steps toward the reinvention and renewal of a friendship that has flowered over the past few years and continues to grow stronger with each passing day.

Sitting back and watching our children play together, there is a stillness, a calm between us that has settled like a soft blanket.  We each watch over our respective kingdoms, sharing laughs and recipes and giving strength to the other when it is failing.  We walk the mall and sit in coffee shops and share wet wipes and diapers and tea and tips to make our lives just a little bit easier.  We work to build each other up and celebrate each other’s success and make plans that may never come to pass but are fun to think about anyway.

B~ I am so grateful that we are entering this next stage of our life together.

Inside each of them, the stardust churned and grew.  Tiny atoms from exploded starts were reborn into two tiny bundles; new universes that would bring about the next generation of stars.

July 29th-30th in triplicates

Paned Enclave
With the bird feeder empty
and the ground pecked clean
there is little to watch

out the window
but the recycling truck
lumbering by

again- to your delight
there is endless captivation
within the paned enclave

 

The Dance
her eyes were curtains
reflecting the sun
sparkling in the sky

above us. she’s a
reminder to be
still, to gently close

our eyes; that we may
better see the dance
and breathe in the light.

 

Attempting Morning Yoga Outside:
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June 23

Girlfriends
the pitter patter of conversation
like the rain rattling on the roof
keeps flowing like the wine
that keeps filling our cups.


 

Father’s Day
Reflecting on Your day
I remember his head
chin to chest
lolling to the side
so that you had to sit
back straight,
so he could dream
and you could barely pedal
up the hill


 

By the Beach
again and again
we run down hill
barefoot and giggling
again and again

 

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My Poppy

(Thinking of a friend on her birthday)  

She flung herself open

IMG_6296for you, for me

the bursting of her blossom

an offering.

 

The pressure of her will

was the only thing needed

to throw off her bulbous

shell, in silent declaration.

 

She burst forth, not

for you or for me.

But of her own design, she

fluttered the antebellum petals

of her dressing and turned

herself, waiting

to be touched by light.

 

 

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IMG_6306 This morning, I woke up to find that the oriental poppy I planted in my front garden had opened.  Not shyly, like tulips, who reveal themselves slowly as the sunshine sweetens the deal.  No, the Poppy simply opened- Bam! Yesterday a tight green bud and this morning, full regalia.

Don’t Care What I Wear.

Today I had a date with my friend Briana to walk the mall.  We’ve had a run of cold snaps and bad weather lately and neither of us have been leaving the house much.  She has a four year old and a seven week old and I have Casey so we were both excited to get out of the house and talk to another adult for a while as we caught up, shopped a bit and got some minimal exercise.  And there I was, an hour before I was supposed to leave, worrying about what to wear.  Even as I acknowledged the absurdity of my predicament, I found myself debating the merits of one pair of leggings versus another and worrying about whether I should wear a sweater or my hi-low sweatshirt with my boots and knee socks.  I feel ridiculous admitting this and yet reflecting on the episode, I realize that it’s been a long time since I last felt the frustrated indecision that used to accompany getting dressed each morning. Being pregnant was such a relief from the daily decision of choosing an outfit.  I had a set number of maternity clothes, clothes that fit period, and it was a joy each day to simply see my growing belly underneath my clothes.  Now, being a stay at home mom, I usually live in leggings and a t-shirt: casual, comfortable clothes that I can move around in, nap in, nurse in and not care if they end up with baby food, spit-up, or drool on them.

The truth is that what I was wearing was the least important part of the afternoon.  I could have worn my big sweats and we still would have had a great time.   It was just so good to get out of the house and spend time with a good friend; to talk about how we are coping as moms and women and humans.  It isn’t always easy being those three things all at the same time and it feels good to have someone to reach out to, to complain to, to listen to, to relate to.  The power of friendship is always amazing.

After we parted ways, I literally shed tears of gratitude driving home.  Maybe it was the Sam Smith song on the radio, but I was just so touched by the beauty of our friendship, by the breathtaking reality of our children.  The image of her with this tiny baby girl at her breast, as we sat in the Macys dressing room toward the end of our day, with our two sons  looking on, stayed with me.  I kept thinking how incredible it is that our children start out as these teeny tiny beings with no language, with limited senses, with only a few specific needs, and then in no time at all they become little boys and girls, crawling and walking and babbling and learning about the world around them.  At ten months old, Casey is already beginning to walk, to find ways to let us know what he wants, giving us hugs and kisses and beginning to snuggle.  It happens so quickly and its so incredible to watch and I am so grateful that I am a mother and that I have wonderful, incredible friends to share these joys with.

Anyway, enough with the sap.  Casey is getting bigger and bolder every day.  He’s walking farther and no longer just from one person to another.  No, now he is beginning to let go and venture out on his own.  Not far.  From the coffee table to the sofa or from the sofa to a toy he wants. Enough to build his confidence in being able to walk on his own.  Crawling is still much faster so that continues to be his preferred mode of transportation.

The kid is a freaking genius as well.  No, seriously.  He blows me away all the time.  I know every mother thinks this about their child but it is amazing to watch him really begin to understand things.  He has gotten so good at letting us know what he wants, whether its smiling at the mention of one snack rather than another or responding to my sign for “more.”  He will pick out a toy and bring it to us to play with or roll a ball our way and then wait for us to roll it back.  It’s amazing watching him explore how things work and how they fit together.  One of his favorite games is being chased as he crawls around the house.  He laughs hysterically when you go around the opposite way and surprise him as he turns the corner.  Most of all, he loves exploring Alex’s office, when he can get into it, which isn’t a lot of the time so when he spots the open door, he high tails it in that direction.  It’s just a shame he doesn’t understand the concept of stealth yet.  Between the slap of his small hands on the wood floor, the loud breathing and the excited squeals, we always know what he is up to and get to the door a second before he does.

In leu of picture I’m including a video I took earlier this week.  Here, Casey starts singing along as he makes some music, cracks himself up as he does his weird one-leg Gorilla crawl, gets up and WALKS to me!

Ok, maybe just a few pictures because I just can’t get enough of this face!

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