Hot heat

His hot heat rolls into me,

a ship on fire, seeking

finding safe harbor.

Open armed, I am unafraid.

I know all the tips and tricks now-

Cool breath and a damp cloth

comfort us both.

 

In the hours between dark and dawn,

this hot heat brings me life.

Where days drag,

when dawn beckons,

hope is reignited.

The path ahead is hazy

in the hot heat,

cracked earth being

the only next right step-

Open mouthed, parched lipped

Seeking to quench this thirst.

 

My body feeds him-

the milk of life

brings his hot heat to a

simmering warmth.

Sleep sets in

worldly cares filed neatly

away, hidden in ever deepening

heart folds.

 

His hot heat brings me alive.

His body rolls to me and I

guide him into safe harbor

open armed, unafraid.

I drop anchor here.

No matter how hard the gales

or how high the waves,

our ship will hold.

His hot heat is hope

reignited.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Advertisements

The Dance

When you dance, your purpose is not to get to a certain place on the floor.
It’s to enjoy each step along the way.

I’m still getting used to “mother of two.”
Still learning the dance
and tripping over my feet.
Some days we waltz
we gaily trip through
Most days are improv jazz
riotous rhythms
and a staccato beat,
beat ing
keeping time
to an as yet
unknown song.

Equally surprised
by the ability to love
and the quickness to anger.
The music pulls me back.
The laughter, the tears
the screaming and shushing-
all part of the symphony
making up the soundtrack
of our days.

How astonishing, some days,
to look down and recognize
this second life
that has been added
to our company-
To look up and see
the little boy sharing
the spotlight-
To find a conductors wand
clenched within white knuckles,
a blindfold hiding bloodshot eyes.

Thank goodness for the friends who dance along beside me.
Thank goodness for the women who have already danced,
who remind me to forget about the steps and just enjoy the music.
Thank goodness for the tiny hands who hold onto mine
and the tiny feet that step onto my own
trusting me to hold them as we begin to move.

Thank goodness for the wind that carries us
and the earth that holds us up,
for the heaven above that promises us.

– for baby giggles and sweet smiles,
unbridled laughter and silly made-up songs,
late night talks and the ability to forgive,
for a marriage that continues to grow roots
and take shape, solidifying a foundation,
creating the stage upon which we dance.

Thanksgiving

I am Thankful.
I am thankful for this privileged life I live,
which I have not had to work particularly hard for,
thankful for all the people who have worked hard for me.

Thankful for this path I am walking.
Thankful for all the tiny treasured that I collect along the way.
Thankful for marriage and motherhood and family.
Thankful that I am surrounded by good men and strong women.
Thankful for accepting frustration in the midst of joy
and for finding the hidden joys in the mundane madness of our days.

I am thankful for my body.
Thankful for all the parts I already love
and for those I am still learning to.
I am thankful for my body’s strength and it’s softness,
Thankful that it has grown and sustained life.
Thankful that I was able to feel tiny kicks
and give the final push
to bring my squirming, slippery babies into the world.

I am thankful for my two boys.
Thankful for Casey, my curious, courageous son,
who forges his wild way through sound and action
delighting in all things new and loud and fast
dropping bits of knowledge along the way,
leaving us breathless and astounded

I am thankful for Cameron,
My tiny little snuggler
who makes his unformed voice heard-
his grunts, snorts, coo’s and squeals
reaffirming his place in our hearts
and in this world-
his precious being just beginning to shine.

I am thankful for my husband.
My quiet, hard-working husband
who loves me because of and in spite of,
has loved me during and through,
who accepts my fears and encourages me to dig deeper.
who holds me hand as we explore uncharted territory
and anchors me to a safe harbor in this mad world.

I am thankful for all I have
and all I have yet to receive.
Thankful for good friends and strong coffee,
for beauty and creativity,
for sleepless nights and nap times
chaos and quiet moments.

I am thankful for the tiny flame of faith
fanned by growth and intrigue and devout friends,
Thankful to feel the spirit move me-
in soft windy gusts upon forested hills,
the warmth of sunshine in quiet summer mornings,
colorful blooms of wildflowers opening their faces to me
and in the tiny hands and soft smiles of my babes.

Most of all I am thankful to just be alive.
To get to experience this short time of living,
on such a beautiful planet,
among such rich diversity,
to discover the vastness of the human spirit every day,
is a gift.
I am so thankful to have been given it.

img_4270

Broken Dam

I don’t know when it happened-
when the dam broke.
A trickle widened into a crack,
brick by brick the walls fell away
until one day the entire structure gave way.
Whoosh!
The contents poured forth
washing away the divide.
There was no longer any separation
nothing dividing the halves
nothing to keep one side from embracing the other.
There was no longer anything holding them back.
The topography changed in an instant,
quietly, unnoticed even, to those not paying attention.
But to the sole witness,
it happened with a roar,
a flash of light so totally blinding
it caught her off guard and she was forced
to catch her breath,
to close her eyes, to blink,
in case it wasn’t real-
In case it hadn’t really happened at all.

Palms to sky

Tonight, I held his hand as he slept
and his hand filled my palm
and I remembered another night
when I held him as he slept
and his tiny hand wrapped around my finger
and my fingertip filled his palm
and I imagine another night yet to come
when he will hold my hand as I look up to him
and my hand will fill his palm.
My son.

We walked outside in the rain today.
He ran in front of me and knelt down in the puddle
pajamas and all.
He fell to his belly and laughed
as he splashed the muddy water upon him.
His baptism.
I let the raindrops fall upon my shoulders
and turned my face to the sky
and let the rain wash away a thin film 
from my bedraggled body.
My renewal.

Palms to sky
I stare at the blanket of stars above me
reaching out as if to pluck one off
like a piece of lint.
If only I could bring one down
and put it in my pocket
and surprise him someday
as we stand in darkness
and he tells me he is afraid.
If only, then, I could pull the star
from my pocket and put it in his palm
so he would always have a light to lead his way,
a star to guide him through the darkness
when he is afraid
when my hand is no longer there to fill his palm.

Stardust

Stardust came down and filled her-
Coalescing into a tiny bundle,
a shining secret ball of glowing, growing energy
that she had to carry for nine months.

Nine months of waiting and wondering,
of loving intensely,
of dreaming and feeling heart-full
even as her heart broke open
again and again,
bursting into a thousand tiny pieces
shimmering and expanding
to clear space
to make room.

The heat can make the afternoons drag on but the days seem to be passing all too quickly. It seems like it was only yesterday that I gave Alex this hastily made Valentine’s Day card, announcing our good news:

wp-1470277190413.jpg

Now, here we are ten weeks away and I am steadily working my way through a list of projects.  I haven’t felt much of the “mom guilt” that I hear other women talk about but I am making sure to savor every moment I have with my son even when he is difficult and over tired and I walk out of his room, after putting him to sleep, wondering how I am every going to manage two.  While he sleeps, I use the time to enjoy my moments alone, knowing they will be few and far between in a few short weeks.  I spend the time reading, napping, dreaming, sewing, painting, preparing…

In my heart I am ready: ready to give birth again, ready to meet this little boy growing inside of me, ready to see what he looks like, ready to have two little boys to hold in my arms and in my heart, ready to watch our family of three become a family of four and experience what that is like.

But until October, I will be enjoying the last days that I have as a mom of one.  I’ll enjoy every hand hold and every laugh, savor each sweet cuddle, every hug and kiss, take advantage of every moment to connect.  I’ll remind myself again and again to smile and breathe when I am feeling frustrated or tired because I will never get these days back.   Each night, when he cuddles in as close to me as he can get and we read book after book, I won’t rush through them or put a limit on how many we can read.

Change is inevitable but I am ready to embrace it because it is scary but it is also beautiful.

Spring Breath

The new buds of Spring open
buried hope and promises of the heart.

Unafraid, showing no hesitation,
we wade ankle deep through the mud.

How easily she yields to our ministrations
thawing after the warm rains of Spring.

Up to our elbows in the cool earth-
purified by the dirt
and our laughter.

I exhale and feel relieved-
The body can only hold so much
breath.

fire

Big sigh of contentment. This is heaven.